So I'm doing Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" bible study. It's all about, yup, you guessed it, breaking free from sin's captivity. I'm in week two now and all I can say is that I'm in deep captivity. One of the areas in which I struggle is pride. But I have a sick, twisted pride. I don't think of myself as prideful. I look at others who struggle with pride and say, "At least I'm not them. I don't struggle with pride."
Bull crap.
Another area in which I struggle is worrying, especially about Joe, and specifically about his state of spiritual health. Because I obviously don't have enough to worry about myself. God has told me plenty of times, in all sorts of ways, to let it go and give it to Him. Joe's fine. But I can't. In my pride and worry, I keep thinking that I can better Joe.* I keep saying that I can see what God's doing and how I'm starting to be able to lay it all down, but it's a LIE! I just can't seem to be able to. My pride won't let me. So I sit and think up what I can subtly work into a conversation and crap like that. Joe sees right through my cleverness, too, so it doesn't even work.
I'm not patient enough to let God work. I pray to be filled with the Holy Spirit because if you're filled with the Spirit then you'll bear the fruit of the Spirit, such as patience. But I'm not patient at all with God!!! He's GOD, for crying out loud!! He's worked many miracles. Surely it wouldn't hurt Him to just hurry up and fix things already. I'm sick to death of having to take a handful of pills every day just to function. I'm sick of worrying. I'm just sick of everything.
But as I sit here, this verse (Isaiah 38:17) keeps coming to mind:
Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction;
You have put all my sins behind your back.
And there you go. If God just granted my wishes then I would forget all about Him. But because He loves me, I suffer. Because when I suffer, I turn to Him. And when I turn to Him, I am healed and able to glorify Him. Because, prideful, sinful wretch that I am, He loves me. Really, truly loves me and wants an intimate relationship with me. I have been chosen by name, before the formation of the world, to be His.
And that's enough for me.
*Note to Joe: I am very sorry for two things. 1. That I am such a manipulative, controlling wench, and 2. For airing this out on my blog. I LOVE YOU.
