I've Got This

So I've been slightly stressed out this week. It's just been a Bad week. A yesterday-I-cracked-and-started-weeping-openly-in-front-of-people kind of week. And unfortunately, Lou's been in her "Why? Why? Why? Why?" mode this week.

It hasn't been pretty.

But last night, Joe and I were playing with Lou while Banana was asleep, and I had a lot of fun. We played beauty parlor and they made my hair so...beautiful? And then we built a fort on our bed because the lions and elephants were going to get us. It was great, memory-making kind of fun. The kind where you just should've been there.

But today when I woke up, I was back to being grouchy and irritable. And I kept coming down too hard on Lou. But I was like a speeding train. I just couldn't stop. I was on an important phone call when Lou walked in eating a bag of cereal. I told her not to carry around the bag and to wait just a minute and I'd get her a bowl. I walked into my room and quickly finished my call and yelled out to see if she still needed a bowl. Her response? "No. I've got this, Mom."

Now, if any of you ever hear her say "I've got this," you should be worried. It's kinda like the redneck saying, "Hey guys, watch this!" You know nothing good is about to happen. Normally, she's either holding a pitcher of kool-aid or has Banana's poopy diaper off. So when I heard her say that, the alarms went off. She had gotten a huge bowl and had poured almost the whole bag of cereal into it, and she and Banana were sitting next to it, munching away.

You should have seen the look on her face. It was that look where you knew that she just wanted to be invisible. But instead of yelling at her, I did a strange thing: I laughed. Who cared if she had poured out all the cereal? It just felt good to laugh and to hug my girls. I get so caught up in the dredges of every day life that I forget to enjoy it. I go through the same routine every day, just waiting for the next hour because then it'll be ____ time. But Lou is so mischievous right now and so sweet and so wonderful and so full of life and love and energy, and I'm missing it because I'm caught up in my prison.

This afternoon we just had fun. We caught a firefly and a frog, we read books, we played, we made Banana giggle hysterically, and we giggled hysterically. It was great. Lou must have told me she loved me a hundred thousand times. Thank you, God, for giving me two of the greatest kids on earth! Thank you for using them to help free me. Thank you for loving me even more than I love them. I pray that tomorrow will be as good as today was.

I just hope that I've got this.

Confessions of a Semi-pissed-off Blogger

I haven't blogged in a while and I'll tell you why. It's starting to become not fun. Oh, the writing is fun. Having my mom and best friends read it is fun. What's not fun is wading through the muck and mire of people's assumptions, beliefs, and opinions about said blog. At first, it was freeing. But now, I feel weighed down. Any time someone says anything about my style of blog or about the type of people who blog, I feel attacked, even if the person was just making a glib comment.

But I still feel like I need to blog, like I'm supposed to blog. And I'm not trying to be arrogant about it. Am I proud of it? Absolutely. Do I like it when people like what I've written? Absolutely. Do I think that my words will have some sort of profound affect on someone? Not really. Do I still secretly hope that they do? Absolutely.

I started this blog because I wanted people to learn about the "real me." I want to be open and honest. I don't want to hide anymore. I am SO sick of hiding. But I'm beginning to learn that honesty scares people or, at least, leaves them unsettled. We take comfort in our lies. We put on a mask and say "Oh, everything's fine," even when it's not. We expect other people to tell us that same lie when we ask how someone is doing. We're too afraid of what others will think. I am. But I'm trying desperately to break free of the lies that are shackling me. John 8:32 says, "Then you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." I'm hoping it will.

I've been confessing a lot recently. And I'm liking it. Turns out that all of these deep, dark secrets that have been festering in my mind and overtaking me really aren't so scary in the light. People have been a lot more supportive than I ever gave them credit for. I'm refusing to give the devil a stronghold anymore. He's been using my shame against me for far too long.

But now I'm feeling a new kind of war emerging in it's place. The Blogging War. (Da-da-duuum!)

The truth is this: I'm scared to hit the "Publish Post" button. I'm afraid of the debate it'll start, even if it's a quiet debate, one that's whispered about instead of an out-and-out showdown. I enjoy reading all kinds of blogs, from deep personal ones to randomness, even ones that I don't really understand a whole lot about (like my friend's blog about his car he's fixing up.)

I'm going to keep being open and honest in my blog. I'm sorry if what I have to say offends anyone. If you want to read it, that's great! If you don't, well, that truly is fine, too. (Except for my mother. You have to read it.) I'm not planning to stop blogging any time soon. I just like the look of my words too much.


UPDATE: You guys are all really sweet! I've gotten lots of really encouraging messages and emails and I've only had this up for a few hours! Thanks!!