I haven't blogged in a while and I'll tell you why. It's starting to become not fun. Oh, the writing is fun. Having my mom and best friends read it is fun. What's not fun is wading through the muck and mire of people's assumptions, beliefs, and opinions about said blog. At first, it was freeing. But now, I feel weighed down. Any time someone says anything about my style of blog or about the type of people who blog, I feel attacked, even if the person was just making a glib comment.
But I still feel like I need to blog, like I'm supposed to blog. And I'm not trying to be arrogant about it. Am I proud of it? Absolutely. Do I like it when people like what I've written? Absolutely. Do I think that my words will have some sort of profound affect on someone? Not really. Do I still secretly hope that they do? Absolutely.
I started this blog because I wanted people to learn about the "real me." I want to be open and honest. I don't want to hide anymore. I am SO sick of hiding. But I'm beginning to learn that honesty scares people or, at least, leaves them unsettled. We take comfort in our lies. We put on a mask and say "Oh, everything's fine," even when it's not. We expect other people to tell us that same lie when we ask how someone is doing. We're too afraid of what others will think. I am. But I'm trying desperately to break free of the lies that are shackling me. John 8:32 says, "Then you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." I'm hoping it will.
I've been confessing a lot recently. And I'm liking it. Turns out that all of these deep, dark secrets that have been festering in my mind and overtaking me really aren't so scary in the light. People have been a lot more supportive than I ever gave them credit for. I'm refusing to give the devil a stronghold anymore. He's been using my shame against me for far too long.
But now I'm feeling a new kind of war emerging in it's place. The Blogging War. (Da-da-duuum!)
The truth is this: I'm scared to hit the "Publish Post" button. I'm afraid of the debate it'll start, even if it's a quiet debate, one that's whispered about instead of an out-and-out showdown. I enjoy reading all kinds of blogs, from deep personal ones to randomness, even ones that I don't really understand a whole lot about (like my friend's blog about his car he's fixing up.)
I'm going to keep being open and honest in my blog. I'm sorry if what I have to say offends anyone. If you want to read it, that's great! If you don't, well, that truly is fine, too. (Except for my mother. You have to read it.) I'm not planning to stop blogging any time soon. I just like the look of my words too much.
UPDATE: You guys are all really sweet! I've gotten lots of really encouraging messages and emails and I've only had this up for a few hours! Thanks!!
I read your blog and I love it!!! :) I love you too. I absolutely LOVE how honest you are.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're still blogging! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree. I love the honesty, and I feel like I know you better now. Keep it up!
ReplyDeletePeople blog for different reasons and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone! I love what you're doing and the courage with which you do it.
ReplyDeleteThere is a quote from the book we just read, that talks about living up to other people's expectations. It was actually a quote of a quote that I should probably go find the reference and exact wording of, but basically it said "I love you, and if I had two lives, I would give you one. But I don't."
So, I'm your mother (even tho' this says KENT when I post), and I'm not reading because I have to. No whispers here - I happen to be very proud of your growth lately - which I attribute in large portion to the Lord, of course, and your honesty, of course!! Don't stop, Linz. I love you so, courageous girl.
ReplyDeleteWell, missy. It looks like you have a lot of people who love you, and I am one of them! I agree with Ruth (kent?) about your honesty. Your honesty is really amazing and I think you have grown spiritually by leaps and bounds.
ReplyDeleteThe deal with our blogs is that we may SAY that we are doing them just for ourselves and don't care if others read them. But, at least for me, while just writing is cathartic, reading and hearing other peoples responses is what fuels the fire.
I love you and your blog. Keep up the good work. The Lord is revealing himself in you.
Oh, darling. Can you imagine what it would be like if you wrote a book? Remember how we flayed and gutted that poor wretch, Anne Lammott? It's because she challenged us, drat her. I, for one, am totally of two minds about the whole blogging thing. Because it is fascinating both to do and to read, but it can be painful. Keep it light=tons of fun. Get too serious=yee-ouch. Because if I know what you are up against, I am liable for a conscious decision to be there for you in a tangible way or leave you in the lurch. Because if I bare my dark soul, I am liable for getting my (expletive) together. I hope nothing I've said or written has made you think that I think badly of you or your blog. On the contrary, it seems you are being honed as an instrument of ministry through writing. I enjoy hearing about and am sometimes envious of your increasing intimacy with the Lord. Except the part about how it takes miserable circumstances to evoke that intimacy. Compared to what you've been through, my struggle is so... not much of a struggle. It's like the difference between a gaping wound and a rash, I guess. I have the rash of shallowness. I fight for buoyancy, sucking in the air of anything and everything that is not heavy. Because if I go very deep, what will I find? I guess I've been writing for two main reasons, peer pressure being the first. But now that I've started, it's an exercise in looking a little deeper to see if there's anything there. It scares me a little to think there might not be.
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