Trust

I really hate rainy days with two kids and no car. I can't send Lou out to play and since my car is in the shop, I can't even take the girls anywhere. In other words, I'm trapped. And they know it, too. I finally got Lou in bed for quiet time, and just as I shut her door, Banana woke up crying. There goes my nap. And now with Banana army-crawling everywhere, I'm having to be on the constant alert for random small Lou toys that seem to multiply overnight. These are the types of days that leave me overwhelmed. I feel like I can't catch a break.

Someone today called me a "mommy hero." I wish. Mommy heros don't get overwhelmed by rainy days. They have their life together. Or at least know how and when to surrender it all to the Lord. I struggle with that, especially when it comes to my life and the lives of those I love. Surrender requires trust. My trust has been so broken and bruised that I find myself not even knowing how to trust God sometimes.

But when I do, good things happen.

A couple of posts ago, I asked how to know if God was speaking to you. Well, yesterday, I heard from Him directly. And now that it's all over, I don't know how I knew it was Him, but I just knew.

Here's what happened: Joe and I were out fishing with the girls. While fishing is supposedly a "relaxing" pursuit, it was anything but that yesterday. Joe was grumpy and it was making me grumpy. Long story short, Joe said some things to me and I took offense, got angry, said my own things, and stormed off. And of course this happened about an hour before we were to go to marriage counseling. (Which we obviously need.) As I was walking off, Joe texted me and told me to reschedule the counseling because he no longer wanted to go. I stayed mad for a few minutes and sulked. Finally, I began to pray. I asked God what I was supposed to do. And then I heard Him.

And I really didn't like what He said.

He told me to apologize. I asked why, because it was Joe being the hurtful jerk, not me. And He told me that my attitude was bad, too, and to apologize for my reaction. I asked Him if I really had to, and the answer was so clear and so emphatic: YES.

Sighing, I said, "Ok, God. You know what I should do better than I do." So I walked back over to Joe and sincerely apologized. He looked dumbfounded for a moment then apologized too. We packed up, took the girls to my parents, then went to counseling.

Afterward, Joe and I were talking about our fight. He said, "I couldn't believe it when you came over and apologized. You have no idea how much it meant to me. That's why I decided to go on to counseling with you." At this point, I had to confess that I had divine prodding.

But the point I'm trying to make is this: when God spoke, I had to trust that He knew what He was doing. It went against everything I was feeling at the moment. In my flesh, I would've preferred to have stayed angry. I felt I had the right to. But I had to surrender to God.

And I'm glad I did.