The Chicken of Depression

It's been awhile since I've seriously posted anything. The reason is two-fold. First, I had been visited by the Chicken of Depression again. Although, ironically, a bluebird family has made it's nest in a tree in our yard, but anytime I yell at them to come bring me happiness, they just fly away.

Stupid birds.

And secondly, because I felt that the Lord was trying to tell me something but I just wasn't sure what. I'm still not sure exactly, but I'm feeling like I'm beginning to get the gist of it.

Over the course of the last few weeks, I have been reading and hearing a lot about giving. Far too many times to be merely coincidences. But I wasn't sure what it was all about. I knew it wasn't about money. So what else? My time? My all? So I prayed that God would show me what He wanted from me.

I keep praying that God will give me strength, both to fight the depression and the lies that are so convincingly whispered in my ear until they seem like truth, but also to face the day-to-day challenges of being a stay-at-home mom with 2 kids under 3.

Those that know me will know that my housekeeping skills leave something to be desired. Those that know my husband know that's what he greatly desires. Hence, we have issues. In fact, most of our marriage strife is related to the state of the house. It affects both of our moods. Some of you are probably thinking, "Well, if it's that important to you both, then clean the house." On paper, that seems like the easy solution. In real life, I'm exhausted. I'm already mentally beat-down. Knowing that when Joe comes home from work, he's going to be upset because the house is a disaster zone, leaves me overwhelmed and unable to cope with life.

From the outside, I'm sure I seem whiny. Plenty of people are able to raise kids and keep a clean house. I'm not one of those. I feel as though I try. Most days, I feel as though I've given it my all. And this is where we come back to giving.

So is God telling me that I'm not giving enough? Should I suck it up and keep giving even more of me? The world would tell me that I need to take time for me. Even Christians would tell me the same thing. I can come up with a dozen excuses off the top of my head why I can't do a particular thing. And while the reasons are valid, is my attitude?

I feel like the Israelites wandering around in the desert. God kept showing them His wonder and majesty, providing for them, caring for them. But yet, they grumbled and complained. Sure, at times they would praise God and worship Him. But then they also kept saying how they would rather be back in bondage in Egypt because there they had meat and good fruits and veggies. They wanted the best of both worlds.

Is that what I'm doing? God keeps showing me His very real and personal love, yet I complain because things aren't exactly how I want them. I pray for strength, but I get upset when I have to use it. I pray for deliverance, but I get upset when I'm delivered because it's so much easier to be depressed and not care then to have to face the world and its troubles.

God will pour out His grace in perfect measure every day that I ask. But what have I done to be ready to receive it? How much more do I really have to give? Have I just put a mental block on what I consider to be my limit? Or is there really more that I can give? When can I say, "Ok. I need a break." Is it on days like today when the darkness seems to be closing in and I just don't care anymore? But I'm battling depression. I have a lot of these days. Or should I pray and prepare myself to receive God's grace and struggle though and keep on giving?

These are the questions I'm still seeking answers to. I'll let you know when I figure them out.