Something monumental happened today. I bought a bracelet. I know that doesn't exactly seem very momentous, but to me it was. I've never worn bracelets or fancy necklaces or anything like that. I've never painted my fingernails. I've never believed that I could be the type of girl to wear and do things like that.
All my life, I have been so unsure of myself. I try to blend in, even when I don't really want to. When I was in high school, I wore a size 0. But I still thought I was ugly and messed up. I tried to pretend that I didn't feel that way, but deep down in that dark place where I stuff things, I did. Since then, I gained a lot of weight. Too much. And I hated myself. And I assumed others felt the same way about me. At the very least, they were disgusted by me. So I tried to hide, to blend in. Definitely no frills about me then.
Since Banana's birth almost a year ago, I've lost about 30 lbs. I've gone from growing out of my 14s to a 6. And I'm finally beginning to feel good about myself. I don't think it's all because of losing the weight that I'm feeling like this. I've finally have started to become comfortable in my own skin. Maybe it's because I'm 27 now and not 17. I've heard that a woman feels her most beautiful at the age of 30. I'll let you know in three years if that's true.
But I think what has really had the biggest impact on me is realizing how much God loves me and how beautiful He thinks I am. He designed me. He wanted me to have this hair, this nose (which admittedly looked better before Thane broke it), this body. He created me to be beautiful to Him. One of the most beautiful women I know of is my mother, Ruth. She doesn't even realize her radiance. She seems to glow from within. God shines through her. She is a mighty oak, displayed for His splendor. I want to be like that. I want to radiate His glory. As I have been seeking after Him and falling in love with Him, I have also been falling in love with myself. Not in a narcissistic way, but realizing that if God sees me as beautiful and lovely, maybe I am.
So I bought a bracelet. And I actually wore it around Target. No one laughed at me. No one even cared. And it was wonderful.
Love this! Love you!
ReplyDeleteAmen! I can totally relate to you my dear! I am so happy that you are resting in the love of the Lord, He is making you beautful on the inside to match your lovely outside! love you!
ReplyDeleteWe are redeemed! It's good to not only appreciate the ugliness of the sin that has been crucified with Christ, but also the great beauty of the new creation we are and glory that radiates as we are made more like Christ. Thanks souch for this encouragement to thank God for glory we share in being his redeemed bride. I tend to be so practical I forget to thank God for the beauty of his creation in me. Motherhood can make you feel pretty ragged too, huh?! Physically and spiritually, but it's the very tool God can use to grow us into beautiful Titus 2 women.
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