Here We Go!...Again

Ok. First things first. It's been awhile since my last blog. It's one of those things that I mean to do but it kind of gets tossed on the stone-cold back burner. Taking 18 hours each semester while raising two kids and leading a Celebrate Recovery group two times a week becomes slightly time-consuming. The good news? I graduate in May!! Whoo-hoo!! Then only three more years of graduate school!...? Hmmm... Doesn't sound like this life is going to slow down anytime soon.

But I've realized that I really miss blogging. Sharing all of my wisdom and sage advice with the internet at large? Yes, please! (And by "at large" I obviously mean all 12 of you who semi-regularly read this and the occasional stranger who arrives at it by clicking the "Next Blog" link.) But I think it's time to make a re-commitment to blogging. Like I've said before, writing soothes this savage beast. So since I've got about a years worth of events, feelings, etc to catch you up on, let me begin.

No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

I just celebrated 10 years of marriage to a wonderful, God-fearing man. I am a senior in college, earning my degree in Leadership and Ministry. I would like to continue on to get my Master's in Counseling but we'll pray and see. I am a Women's Leader at Celebrate Recovery. And I love it. There's such a stigma attached to support groups like CR and it's so frustrating. People sometimes just don't know how to react when I say that. But I will tell you this: God has worked amazing wonders in my life and in my family over the last two years and He has used the program and people in CR to accomplish so much in my life. I have made amazing friends, and, especially as a leader, I have had the privilege to firsthand see God move, change, and heal broken people. I was a broken person. I'm not ashamed to say that. No, I wasn't an alcoholic or a drug addict. But I was depressed, suicidal at times, angry, and struggling with co-dependency (or as I like to joke, I was addicted to my husband.) But God has set me FREE! And I love watching Him move in others lives. I feel like this is a calling on my life. That's why I'm considering the Master's degree in counseling.

But even with all of these blessings that God has given me, and knowing that He hears me when I cry out to Him, and knowing that I am free, I sometimes still struggle with life. Probably because I'm human. Right now I'm struggling to trust Him with my finances. I'm struggling with anger and frustration. At this exact moment, I'm struggling with a two-year-old who's whining and crying for juice when we don't have any. I feel myself getting upset and wanting to yell. I've opened and shut this laptop about 15 times in the last 5 minutes trying to convince her that an empty bottle means that there isn't any left for her to drink. I'm struggling with trying not to burst into tears right along with her.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4 ESV)

Are these the types of trials and struggles I'm supposed to consider with all joy? Two-year-old's and financial difficulties? Maybe. Probably. But it's hard. It's hard to find the joy when your nerves are frayed and it feels like there's no end in sight. Being a Christian doesn't mean that all your problems are instantly solved. It just means that we haven't gotten to the other side of glory yet (I heard one of my professors say this and it stuck with me.) But as a Christian, I know that I'm not alone. He is always right here, even when I can't feel Him. I read this awesome article by John Piper the other day on what to do when you're feeling fragile. I actually printed it out and have it saved on my phone for when I need to read it again. But my favorite part is the last line:

Cry out to him. Then ransack the Bible for his appointed promise. We are fragile. But he is not.

Oh, John Piper, you wise man, you. That's what I've been missing. I've gotten so caught up in life that I've forgotten the source of Life. I've forgotten His beautiful promises to me, to us. My cup is empty. He will fill me to overflowing so that I may be emptied again, pouring Him all through my life and onto all others who come into contact with me. And when I'm emptied and dry and there's just not enough of me to go around, I need to cry out to Him and ransack the Bible for His appointed promise and ask Him to fill me once again. And He will. He always has.