I really hate rainy days with two kids and no car. I can't send Lou out to play and since my car is in the shop, I can't even take the girls anywhere. In other words, I'm trapped. And they know it, too. I finally got Lou in bed for quiet time, and just as I shut her door, Banana woke up crying. There goes my nap. And now with Banana army-crawling everywhere, I'm having to be on the constant alert for random small Lou toys that seem to multiply overnight. These are the types of days that leave me overwhelmed. I feel like I can't catch a break.
Someone today called me a "mommy hero." I wish. Mommy heros don't get overwhelmed by rainy days. They have their life together. Or at least know how and when to surrender it all to the Lord. I struggle with that, especially when it comes to my life and the lives of those I love. Surrender requires trust. My trust has been so broken and bruised that I find myself not even knowing how to trust God sometimes.
But when I do, good things happen.
A couple of posts ago, I asked how to know if God was speaking to you. Well, yesterday, I heard from Him directly. And now that it's all over, I don't know how I knew it was Him, but I just knew.
Here's what happened: Joe and I were out fishing with the girls. While fishing is supposedly a "relaxing" pursuit, it was anything but that yesterday. Joe was grumpy and it was making me grumpy. Long story short, Joe said some things to me and I took offense, got angry, said my own things, and stormed off. And of course this happened about an hour before we were to go to marriage counseling. (Which we obviously need.) As I was walking off, Joe texted me and told me to reschedule the counseling because he no longer wanted to go. I stayed mad for a few minutes and sulked. Finally, I began to pray. I asked God what I was supposed to do. And then I heard Him.
And I really didn't like what He said.
He told me to apologize. I asked why, because it was Joe being the hurtful jerk, not me. And He told me that my attitude was bad, too, and to apologize for my reaction. I asked Him if I really had to, and the answer was so clear and so emphatic: YES.
Sighing, I said, "Ok, God. You know what I should do better than I do." So I walked back over to Joe and sincerely apologized. He looked dumbfounded for a moment then apologized too. We packed up, took the girls to my parents, then went to counseling.
Afterward, Joe and I were talking about our fight. He said, "I couldn't believe it when you came over and apologized. You have no idea how much it meant to me. That's why I decided to go on to counseling with you." At this point, I had to confess that I had divine prodding.
But the point I'm trying to make is this: when God spoke, I had to trust that He knew what He was doing. It went against everything I was feeling at the moment. In my flesh, I would've preferred to have stayed angry. I felt I had the right to. But I had to surrender to God.
And I'm glad I did.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The Chicken of Depression
It's been awhile since I've seriously posted anything. The reason is two-fold. First, I had been visited by the Chicken of Depression again. Although, ironically, a bluebird family has made it's nest in a tree in our yard, but anytime I yell at them to come bring me happiness, they just fly away.
Stupid birds.
And secondly, because I felt that the Lord was trying to tell me something but I just wasn't sure what. I'm still not sure exactly, but I'm feeling like I'm beginning to get the gist of it.
Over the course of the last few weeks, I have been reading and hearing a lot about giving. Far too many times to be merely coincidences. But I wasn't sure what it was all about. I knew it wasn't about money. So what else? My time? My all? So I prayed that God would show me what He wanted from me.
I keep praying that God will give me strength, both to fight the depression and the lies that are so convincingly whispered in my ear until they seem like truth, but also to face the day-to-day challenges of being a stay-at-home mom with 2 kids under 3.
Those that know me will know that my housekeeping skills leave something to be desired. Those that know my husband know that's what he greatly desires. Hence, we have issues. In fact, most of our marriage strife is related to the state of the house. It affects both of our moods. Some of you are probably thinking, "Well, if it's that important to you both, then clean the house." On paper, that seems like the easy solution. In real life, I'm exhausted. I'm already mentally beat-down. Knowing that when Joe comes home from work, he's going to be upset because the house is a disaster zone, leaves me overwhelmed and unable to cope with life.
From the outside, I'm sure I seem whiny. Plenty of people are able to raise kids and keep a clean house. I'm not one of those. I feel as though I try. Most days, I feel as though I've given it my all. And this is where we come back to giving.
So is God telling me that I'm not giving enough? Should I suck it up and keep giving even more of me? The world would tell me that I need to take time for me. Even Christians would tell me the same thing. I can come up with a dozen excuses off the top of my head why I can't do a particular thing. And while the reasons are valid, is my attitude?
I feel like the Israelites wandering around in the desert. God kept showing them His wonder and majesty, providing for them, caring for them. But yet, they grumbled and complained. Sure, at times they would praise God and worship Him. But then they also kept saying how they would rather be back in bondage in Egypt because there they had meat and good fruits and veggies. They wanted the best of both worlds.
Is that what I'm doing? God keeps showing me His very real and personal love, yet I complain because things aren't exactly how I want them. I pray for strength, but I get upset when I have to use it. I pray for deliverance, but I get upset when I'm delivered because it's so much easier to be depressed and not care then to have to face the world and its troubles.
God will pour out His grace in perfect measure every day that I ask. But what have I done to be ready to receive it? How much more do I really have to give? Have I just put a mental block on what I consider to be my limit? Or is there really more that I can give? When can I say, "Ok. I need a break." Is it on days like today when the darkness seems to be closing in and I just don't care anymore? But I'm battling depression. I have a lot of these days. Or should I pray and prepare myself to receive God's grace and struggle though and keep on giving?
These are the questions I'm still seeking answers to. I'll let you know when I figure them out.
Stupid birds.
And secondly, because I felt that the Lord was trying to tell me something but I just wasn't sure what. I'm still not sure exactly, but I'm feeling like I'm beginning to get the gist of it.
Over the course of the last few weeks, I have been reading and hearing a lot about giving. Far too many times to be merely coincidences. But I wasn't sure what it was all about. I knew it wasn't about money. So what else? My time? My all? So I prayed that God would show me what He wanted from me.
I keep praying that God will give me strength, both to fight the depression and the lies that are so convincingly whispered in my ear until they seem like truth, but also to face the day-to-day challenges of being a stay-at-home mom with 2 kids under 3.
Those that know me will know that my housekeeping skills leave something to be desired. Those that know my husband know that's what he greatly desires. Hence, we have issues. In fact, most of our marriage strife is related to the state of the house. It affects both of our moods. Some of you are probably thinking, "Well, if it's that important to you both, then clean the house." On paper, that seems like the easy solution. In real life, I'm exhausted. I'm already mentally beat-down. Knowing that when Joe comes home from work, he's going to be upset because the house is a disaster zone, leaves me overwhelmed and unable to cope with life.
From the outside, I'm sure I seem whiny. Plenty of people are able to raise kids and keep a clean house. I'm not one of those. I feel as though I try. Most days, I feel as though I've given it my all. And this is where we come back to giving.
So is God telling me that I'm not giving enough? Should I suck it up and keep giving even more of me? The world would tell me that I need to take time for me. Even Christians would tell me the same thing. I can come up with a dozen excuses off the top of my head why I can't do a particular thing. And while the reasons are valid, is my attitude?
I feel like the Israelites wandering around in the desert. God kept showing them His wonder and majesty, providing for them, caring for them. But yet, they grumbled and complained. Sure, at times they would praise God and worship Him. But then they also kept saying how they would rather be back in bondage in Egypt because there they had meat and good fruits and veggies. They wanted the best of both worlds.
Is that what I'm doing? God keeps showing me His very real and personal love, yet I complain because things aren't exactly how I want them. I pray for strength, but I get upset when I have to use it. I pray for deliverance, but I get upset when I'm delivered because it's so much easier to be depressed and not care then to have to face the world and its troubles.
God will pour out His grace in perfect measure every day that I ask. But what have I done to be ready to receive it? How much more do I really have to give? Have I just put a mental block on what I consider to be my limit? Or is there really more that I can give? When can I say, "Ok. I need a break." Is it on days like today when the darkness seems to be closing in and I just don't care anymore? But I'm battling depression. I have a lot of these days. Or should I pray and prepare myself to receive God's grace and struggle though and keep on giving?
These are the questions I'm still seeking answers to. I'll let you know when I figure them out.
Monday, May 3, 2010
How do you know?
I've been sitting here trying to think of a good segue into a question I need to ask, and to be honest, I can't think of one. So I'm just going to jump in with both feet.
How do you know when the Holy Spirit is talking to you?
I've been struggling with this question over the last couple of days. Even though I've been saved for most of my life, I've only been truly growing in Christ for a couple of months. I talked to my mom about it some tonight, but I really want to know what it's like for you. Is it the same for everybody? I'm full of doubts, my mind is in turmoil. How do I know if it's Him and not my own wishing or conclusions? I know that if it goes against scripture, it's not Him. But I hear people say, "When God speaks to you, you'll know," but then I also hear, "I didn't realize what He was wanting me to do until it was too late." So if you recognize His voice, do you always know what He wants, or is that the second part of the riddle?
I keep reading and hearing about the exact same thing. My mom says that it's no coincidence, that it's God telling me something. The only problem is, I'm not exactly sure what. When I felt God's presence earlier this year, I KNEW it was Him and I knew what he was promising. Of that, I was sure. But I have a feeling that God's not going to come at me with a bullhorn every time He speaks to me. I need to learn how to listen. I'm trying, but I'm still not sure of what I'm hearing. I don't want to figure it out too late.
So for those who are older and wiser in your faith, I would really love it if you would tell me your thoughts on this matter. If you don't want to leave me a comment, please feel free to shoot me an email. And hopefully, I'll figure it all out soon. =)
How do you know when the Holy Spirit is talking to you?
I've been struggling with this question over the last couple of days. Even though I've been saved for most of my life, I've only been truly growing in Christ for a couple of months. I talked to my mom about it some tonight, but I really want to know what it's like for you. Is it the same for everybody? I'm full of doubts, my mind is in turmoil. How do I know if it's Him and not my own wishing or conclusions? I know that if it goes against scripture, it's not Him. But I hear people say, "When God speaks to you, you'll know," but then I also hear, "I didn't realize what He was wanting me to do until it was too late." So if you recognize His voice, do you always know what He wants, or is that the second part of the riddle?
I keep reading and hearing about the exact same thing. My mom says that it's no coincidence, that it's God telling me something. The only problem is, I'm not exactly sure what. When I felt God's presence earlier this year, I KNEW it was Him and I knew what he was promising. Of that, I was sure. But I have a feeling that God's not going to come at me with a bullhorn every time He speaks to me. I need to learn how to listen. I'm trying, but I'm still not sure of what I'm hearing. I don't want to figure it out too late.
So for those who are older and wiser in your faith, I would really love it if you would tell me your thoughts on this matter. If you don't want to leave me a comment, please feel free to shoot me an email. And hopefully, I'll figure it all out soon. =)
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