This Little Wallflower

I am what some would call a "wallflower." I much prefer to be on the sidelines (actually, somewhere at the top of the stands.) I really don't want to stand out or be noticed. Sometimes I feel like a coward. Even with this blog, I am able to hide in the anonymity of the internet. If someone chanced upon this, they wouldn't have a clue who I am.

So why am I baring my soul to all of you and letting you in on some of my most personal thoughts and struggles?

In Acts 1:8, Jesus says, " 'You will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be My witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.' "

So what does this have to do with me? Well, this is my testimony. I'm trying to show everyone how God can transform a life. How He can take a poor, wretched creature like myself and find the beautiful in me. And how He can use even me, the pitiful wallflower that I am. Through the power of the internet, these words have the potential to reach people, to touch them. They can traverse the distances and go to the ends of the earth. I already know I have one loyal follower in Japan.

I am not ashamed of my faith in the Lord God Almighty. He has rescued me and set me free. I want others to see Jesus in me. I don't want to be the wallflower in this. I want to shine with His glory. I want others to say, "Wow. I want what she has."

God is healing me, day by day. Thank you, Jehovah-rapha!! You are the Healer and I praise Your mighty name!

Maybe

Wow. What this blog is becoming is not at all what I intended. I had planned on it being a lighthearted anecdotal account of the random things my child does. But I'm finding that I actually really like blogging about deep, personal issues.

At church today, the pastor was talking about storing up treasures in Heaven and judgment for believers. One of the points he was making was that we are going to be judged based on our use of spiritual gifts. He said that everyone has one. I was sitting there thinking to myself, "What in the world is mine? How can I put it to good use if I don't even know what it is?"

Fast forward to this afternoon when I'm forcing my mom to read my post from yesterday. I'm asking her what she thinks and she says that God has given me a gift. So maybe this really is my gift. I'm not sure if writing is considered a spiritual gift or not, but right now I'm going to take it. I'm about to make a confession. I like it when people like what I write. But if this is my spiritual gift, then I sincerely pray that God will use it to touch other people and that all glory goes to Him.

Some of you know the story of my life over these last few months when I was BROKEN. Some of you don't. Well, sadly for your curiosity, this is not the post in which all the details are spilled out. Maybe one day. Anyways, let me just say this. I have never known what it felt like to be broken like this, mentally and spiritually. I was suicidal. I have been saved for most of my life, but I have never truly felt the presence of God until I was in the midst of the most traumatic part of my life. When I finally got on my face before God and cried out to Him, He was there. Until your soul has been caressed by the Holy Father and you know what it feels like to have Him tell you that everything is going to be okay and you feel His overwhelming love wash over you...well, you don't know what you're missing.

During all of the turmoil and strife happening in my mind and in my life at this time, He was there, promising me that I would be healed, my family would be healed, my marriage would be healed, my life would be healed. I still daily cling to that promise. Right now as I'm typing, tears are running down my face, yet peace is within my heart. As things began to improve, I told my mom that I fully believed that one of the positive things that was going to come out of this hurt I was having was my testimony. I know that God is using my life so that others will see His glory.

So how does this relate back to spiritual gifts? Well, I'm hoping that God is going to use what I write to touch someone. That if this is, in fact, my gift, that I use it to the fullest. I'll be honest here. Some days are better than others. Some days, I feel close to Him, basking in His presence. But some, a war is still raging inside my mind. Those days, I feel close to giving in, giving up. But I daily pray for Him to give me a holy hunger and thirst for His righteousness. I want to be consumed by Him. And He is answering my prayer. I just have to be willing and ready to receive it when He pours it out.

Green Beans

So we've planted a vegetable garden. (I say we, what I mean is Joe. Although I did help carry the ridiculously heavy railroad ties and I shoveled dirt, so that counts, right?) Anyways, this morning during the storm, Lou comes running up to me and yells, "Mom! It's raining on our green beans! We have to make the rain stop!" I'm not sure where I'm going with this story, except that it cracked me up.

Moving on, my mom is teaching a Sunday school class at her church and the workbook that they're doing is "Living Your Life as a Beautiful Offering" by Angela Thomas. I also have a copy of it and am doing it at my own pace. If you haven't had the opportunity to do this workbook, you're missing out. Every lesson seems to be God-sent. It has really, really touched me. Thursday had been miserable. Beyond miserable. I will spare you the gory details, but I was in spiritual turmoil. I went to bed not really wanting to do my Bible study, but something inside told me that it would be a really good idea to do the next lesson. It was all about finding Jesus peace. Again God spoke to me and touched me.

John 16:33 says,
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Wow! Thank you, God!! In You, I can overcome my depression. In You, I can find joy. In You, I can find peace.
In my previous post, I wrote about surrendering to God. Some days, it takes a few mistakes before this particular lesson sinks in. I often feel like it's one step forwards, two steps back. I feel like I'm changing so much inside and I get aggravated that other people aren't or at least not as quickly as I am. I want to go up and shake them and say, "Why?! Why are you still acting like this?!" And then I have to remember to surrender everything to God. He's in control, not me. As much as I sometimes want to be, as much as I sometimes try to be, I cannot be. It's frustrating, yet humbling. Mainly frustrating. Going against the popular saying, He actually is probably going to give me more than I can handle. Why? Because He wants me to run back to Him, every single day. And THROUGH Him, I can do it. But not without Him. And when I come crawling back, begging for His forgiveness and mercy, I know one thing: God is NOT going to forsake me. He will pour down His tender mercy and love, and give me peace.

Serenity Now!

As long as I can remember, my mom has had a plaque with the "Serenity Prayer" on it. (It also has a picture of a goose on it, which never seemed very serene to me. Incidentally, as a small child, Joe was apparently attacked by a goose, which I think is somewhat hilarious, at least until I get near one now and worry about the safety of my own kids.) Anyways, turns out the plaque only had part of the prayer on it. The full prayer goes like this:

God,

Grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage, to change the things I can;

And the wisdom, to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as You did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that You will make all things right

If I surrender to Your Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with You

Forever and ever in the next.

I've heard the first part of this prayer so many times it's lost all meaning for me. But when I read the prayer in it's entirety, it just knocked the breath out of me. As some may know, I've been battling severe depression recently. I have been taking everything on me. If the kids are being bad, it's because I'm a failure as a mother. If Joe does something stupid, it's because I'm a failure as a wife. If I mess up, well, it's expected because I'm a failure as a person. If my family is not perfectly happy all the time, it's my fault. But reading this, the word "reasonably" really jumped out at me. I'm beginning to realize that it's ok to have bad days. Happiness is a state of mind. What I'm longing for and beginning to embrace is joy. I can BE joyous in God, wrapped in His arms and in His embrace, even (or maybe especially) when I'm at my lowest point. I shouldn't expect to be happy-go-lucky all the time. I'm human, my family is human. But if every morning when I wake up, I fully surrender to God and say, "Ok. What do you have in plan for me today?" then that's when I am going to find my long-sought-after joy. As Kirk said (and I'm paraphrasing here, so forgive me if I'm getting it wrong), when, in your brokenness, God comes in to fix you, he's not coming in with a band-aid and a little bit of plaster. He's coming in with a sledgehammer and He's going to tear down and rebuild everything in you better and stronger than before. And that's what he's doing. And right now, every day I have to surrender. I can't do it on my own.
So from now on, this blog is going to be about the happy parts of my day. I'm going to focus on the good things, like how adorable Lou was this morning when she woke up with her hair still in pigtails from yesterday. And how Joe was able to take his Birthday Day at work today and stay at home with me again today. Yay! Well, the girls are taking naps so I'm going to go curl up with my wonderful hubby and watch a movie.

The Beginning

Where to begin? I like the idea of blogging, but to actually put my thoughts and feelings out there for others to view and judge is exceptionally terrifying. I'm a natural introvert, but I feel as though it might be time to start slowly coming out of my shell. I'm hoping that this can be a release for me, a place to let my true voice be heard. Very few people know the real me. Sometimes, I feel as though I don't even know the real me. I'm hoping to find myself again. I'm hoping to entertain you with my delightful charm and wit. I'm hoping you don't think I'm a bad parent when I tell you that my kid pooped on my sidewalk because she was bored. All in all, there's a whole lotta hoping going on right now.
So again, where to begin? I guess I'll start with telling you about me and mine. I'm 26 years old and have been married to the love of my life for 8 years now. I am a stay at home mom to our two gorgeous, delightful, outstanding, intelligent, wonderful girls. To protect the innocent, I shall refer to them by my pet names for them, Lou and Banana. Lou is almost 3 and Banana is 6 months. Banana's personality is just starting to come through and she's a sweetie and a half! Always happy (as long as Mama's around!) and her face just lights up when her big sister comes dancing into the room. Lou is a mess pot and a firecracker. She is incredibly strong-willed and spicy, but so loving and empathetic. Highly intelligent and highly inquisitive, she makes sure our life is never calm or boring! Fairy wings are standard and her best friend Bunny is never too far from her side.
So, there's the basics. Welcome to my blog and I hope you enjoy the ride!