Maybe

Wow. What this blog is becoming is not at all what I intended. I had planned on it being a lighthearted anecdotal account of the random things my child does. But I'm finding that I actually really like blogging about deep, personal issues.

At church today, the pastor was talking about storing up treasures in Heaven and judgment for believers. One of the points he was making was that we are going to be judged based on our use of spiritual gifts. He said that everyone has one. I was sitting there thinking to myself, "What in the world is mine? How can I put it to good use if I don't even know what it is?"

Fast forward to this afternoon when I'm forcing my mom to read my post from yesterday. I'm asking her what she thinks and she says that God has given me a gift. So maybe this really is my gift. I'm not sure if writing is considered a spiritual gift or not, but right now I'm going to take it. I'm about to make a confession. I like it when people like what I write. But if this is my spiritual gift, then I sincerely pray that God will use it to touch other people and that all glory goes to Him.

Some of you know the story of my life over these last few months when I was BROKEN. Some of you don't. Well, sadly for your curiosity, this is not the post in which all the details are spilled out. Maybe one day. Anyways, let me just say this. I have never known what it felt like to be broken like this, mentally and spiritually. I was suicidal. I have been saved for most of my life, but I have never truly felt the presence of God until I was in the midst of the most traumatic part of my life. When I finally got on my face before God and cried out to Him, He was there. Until your soul has been caressed by the Holy Father and you know what it feels like to have Him tell you that everything is going to be okay and you feel His overwhelming love wash over you...well, you don't know what you're missing.

During all of the turmoil and strife happening in my mind and in my life at this time, He was there, promising me that I would be healed, my family would be healed, my marriage would be healed, my life would be healed. I still daily cling to that promise. Right now as I'm typing, tears are running down my face, yet peace is within my heart. As things began to improve, I told my mom that I fully believed that one of the positive things that was going to come out of this hurt I was having was my testimony. I know that God is using my life so that others will see His glory.

So how does this relate back to spiritual gifts? Well, I'm hoping that God is going to use what I write to touch someone. That if this is, in fact, my gift, that I use it to the fullest. I'll be honest here. Some days are better than others. Some days, I feel close to Him, basking in His presence. But some, a war is still raging inside my mind. Those days, I feel close to giving in, giving up. But I daily pray for Him to give me a holy hunger and thirst for His righteousness. I want to be consumed by Him. And He is answering my prayer. I just have to be willing and ready to receive it when He pours it out.