Serenity Now!

As long as I can remember, my mom has had a plaque with the "Serenity Prayer" on it. (It also has a picture of a goose on it, which never seemed very serene to me. Incidentally, as a small child, Joe was apparently attacked by a goose, which I think is somewhat hilarious, at least until I get near one now and worry about the safety of my own kids.) Anyways, turns out the plaque only had part of the prayer on it. The full prayer goes like this:

God,

Grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage, to change the things I can;

And the wisdom, to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as You did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that You will make all things right

If I surrender to Your Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with You

Forever and ever in the next.

I've heard the first part of this prayer so many times it's lost all meaning for me. But when I read the prayer in it's entirety, it just knocked the breath out of me. As some may know, I've been battling severe depression recently. I have been taking everything on me. If the kids are being bad, it's because I'm a failure as a mother. If Joe does something stupid, it's because I'm a failure as a wife. If I mess up, well, it's expected because I'm a failure as a person. If my family is not perfectly happy all the time, it's my fault. But reading this, the word "reasonably" really jumped out at me. I'm beginning to realize that it's ok to have bad days. Happiness is a state of mind. What I'm longing for and beginning to embrace is joy. I can BE joyous in God, wrapped in His arms and in His embrace, even (or maybe especially) when I'm at my lowest point. I shouldn't expect to be happy-go-lucky all the time. I'm human, my family is human. But if every morning when I wake up, I fully surrender to God and say, "Ok. What do you have in plan for me today?" then that's when I am going to find my long-sought-after joy. As Kirk said (and I'm paraphrasing here, so forgive me if I'm getting it wrong), when, in your brokenness, God comes in to fix you, he's not coming in with a band-aid and a little bit of plaster. He's coming in with a sledgehammer and He's going to tear down and rebuild everything in you better and stronger than before. And that's what he's doing. And right now, every day I have to surrender. I can't do it on my own.
So from now on, this blog is going to be about the happy parts of my day. I'm going to focus on the good things, like how adorable Lou was this morning when she woke up with her hair still in pigtails from yesterday. And how Joe was able to take his Birthday Day at work today and stay at home with me again today. Yay! Well, the girls are taking naps so I'm going to go curl up with my wonderful hubby and watch a movie.